Seriously?! No way!

Leave your name and I will...

1. Tell you why I befriended you.
2. Associate you with something -random, a song, a color, a photo, etc.
3. Tell you something I like about you.
4. Tell you a memory I have of you.
5. Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
6. Tell you my favorite user picture of yours.
7. In return, you must post this in your blog.

If i told you how I really felt, would you run to me or from me. That is the truth that really stops my tongue. Fear of losing you. I can't imagine my life right now without you in it to some degree. You've gotten too close. I think I will keep my mouth shut for now and let you come to me, if you ever choose to do so.

I try really hard not to be jealous. I thought I was doing really well. But last night, I came home, Sam came over and Kyle gave her another shirt. This one was a twin to the one he bought for himself on Friday. The only difference was his has the silver Zelda symbol, and her has the gold. It's not the fact that he bought her a shirt, I'm used to him buying her things and me getting nothing, it's the fact that it's the same shirt. I've begun to feel awkward when the 3 of us hang out. I stand out in our group. I'm black (Irish), I eat meat, and I'm not a comic book nerd. When we go out, I feel like the 3rd wheel. It really doesn't help that they tend to walk in front or behind me, so it always looks like I'm walking alone when we are together. They even go so far as to order the same food when we go out. Denny's: Boca Burgers, fries, Cherry coke for them, Classic Fruity French Toast, Orange juice for me. Cheddars: Stuffed Portabellas, side salad, chocolate martinis for them, chicken, potatoes, daiquiri for me. I feel like I'm in competition for my best friend and i don't like it. Now when we go out, they will be wearing the same shirt, eating the same food, drinking the same drink, sharing the same conversation, and I'll be there, like a child who doesn't fit in, all alone again. I've got to stop, I'm starting to cry. I didn't even realize it bothered me this much until I started to write it all out. I've been here before, only last time I was in competition for my husband, not my best friend. I don't want to lose both again, and I don't want to lose myself trying to save it.

I had a very happy St. Paddy's a little early. Saturday, I went to Chad's to hang with him and Bonnie, one of my other co-workers. They both have sons, so I packed up my Wii and we shuffled them into one room while we hung out and watched movies. It was awesome, and got even better when we got high, which I have only done 2 times before. After we were sure the boys had fallen asleep and we would not be disturbed, we had a 3 some. OMG! It was amazing. I had forgotten how amazing Chad is in bed. We're definitely going to have to do this again. Today, both Chad and Bonnie are also sore. We can't help cracking up about it a bit. As awesome as it was, I'm hoping that Bonnie will feel a little bad about it, she has a bf. Granted, he's in Ohio, but it's still a bf. Chad and I are both single so it's no big for us, but she cheated... Oh well. We'll figure it out before we do it again.

So i sent him the letter. Before reading my letter, he purchased for me a Pizza (from someplace I hate) and some flaming hot Cheeto's. I still refuse to feel guilty about what I've done. I did what had to be done for my sanity. I'm going to have to start standing firm and not saying yes, just because I know it will make him happy. He sent me a big long letter of apology and I'm really and truly hoping that things will get better at home. If not, I'll be living on my own again, and I'm totally ok with that.

Drama and frustrations continue to abound in my home. I would much rather live alone than go through all of this. Last night what started out as a fun thing for me turned into a mess for three people. I wrote Kyle this letter today and will be sending it tonight before I take off for the night so I won't have to deal with him reading it in front of me. I know this is the cowards way out, but I have no other choice. If I say this to his face and he starts to cry, I'll roll over and let him continue to walk all over me. So here is what i said

I was going to say "we need to talk," but that's not really right. I need to talk, and I need you to listen. Really listen. I know we talked a couple of months ago and you promised that things would get better, but they aren't at this point. I really do care about you as a friend, and on that vein things need to change in order to save our friendship.

I still feel like you are taking advantage of me and manipulating me to your ends and your needs. If you take off for hours on end, or if you leave to go see "friends" or if I ask if you have plans, you always ask why I want to know. But if I'm not home when you expect me, I get the third degree. That's uncalled for I am a grown woman and what I do in my free time is none of your business, especially if you are not going to share your business with me. I don't intentionally want you to feel left out, but I also don't want to feel like I have to justify every action I make to you. You are not my father, boyfriend, or husband.

I think you have been lying to me and I know you have been hiding things from me. The only reason to lie or hide things is if you feel guilty about it. You told me your friend Kristen's sister was sick and implied that this is who you were talking to. I talked to Sam last night and she told me that you were texting her about the rats/rabbits. I don't know if you were talking to both and only chose to tell me about one. I don't know why you would only choose to tell me about the one. There was no reason for you to hide the fact that you were talking to my friend from me. I don't care if the two of you talk. I like that the two of you get along. It does not bother me at all. What does bother me is that you do things for her that you do not do for me. You try to talk to her and hang out with her, and buy things for her behind my back. There is no reason on earth that you could not tell me what you have gotten for Sam, I don't give two shits. The only reason I could possibly think of is that you know it is not fair/right to do the things for her that you have done. It is also not fair that on the 2 occasions that I have spent time alone with Sam without you, I've gotten the third degree about it. You get mad at me for spending time with my friend without you, but you expect me to just let you hang out with her without me and not ask any questions. That is not right.

I'm tired of paying for everything while I watch you spend your money on other things. I understand that you have bills to pay. You have your phone, your rent at the old apartment (for now), your car payment, car insurance, gas and your student loan. That's fine. That's why I haven't asked you to pay for anything at the apartment until you are out of the old place. You constantly complain that you have no money, but how many times have you bought and returned a system, how many times have I watched you buy a video game, how many times have I watched you buy a new movie or buy something for Sam and the list goes on. At the end of the day, when your money gets low, you ask me if I want to grab a bite somewhere and I end up paying. Your exact words are usually "do you want to go to (taco bell, burger kind, Chinese, etc)?" When I say yes, we get in my car and I pay. There have been few and far between instances where you have even reached for your wallet before we got there. You really did shock me at lunch on Sunday when you paid at Ruby Tuesdays. The few times that I have said no to going out, you pout. You, a 6 ft+, 26yr old man, pout about not getting your way. My money is ridiculously tight all across the board because I am paying for "us" and you are paying for you. Every time you have a little extra cash and I make a suggestion about how you should spend it, you remind me that it's not my money to spend, but when I got my refund and finally had some extra to spare, you asked for a DVD player. Out of what I had, you wanted something for you.  It really hurt me that you turned around and bought something for Sam at Target and nothing for me. Not only that, but you refused to tell me what you even bought for her and when I questioned you on it on Tuesday, you stormed out of my office. Don't misinterpret, I am not asking for the DVD player back, I'm just letting you know how I felt about what happened afterwards. Finally there is the whole issue with the rats. This was supposed to be a fun pet for me. It started as one and I distinctly recall you saying in the beginning that you didn't particularly care for rats. But all of a sudden Tuesday night you decided you wanted one and the drama that ensued last night. I was physically ill last night and still am this morning over everything that happened yesterday. It's not fun anymore. I don't even want one anymore. It went from being an inexpensive adorable little pet for me to love to three giant pains in my ass and stress that I did not need.

I'm not saying that I want you to leave, I would not feel right to do so and it is not fair to either of us. I am saying that if you want to be my friend, and not just some guy I live with, things will have to change. Friends do not treat each other the way that you have been treating me these last couple of months. I literally feel like I'm married again. I'm living with someone who is taking advantage of my kindness, I'm paying for everything, and I don't feel loved or appreciated for what I do. i also feel like I'm fighting you for my best friend and I should not feel that way.

As you know, I'm going to the gym after work and then I'm going to Tops and Tails with Natausha and possibly Bonnie afterwards. Don't call me, I'll be home late. But if you want to talk when I get home, we can, or we can talk tomorrow if you want to go for a walk or after work. I still love you and care about you very much, but things have to change if we are to continue to be friends.

No one likes you because you act like a self centered asshole
You're right, the only reason she hangs out with you is because you are my friend
You've shown that you're not really my friend
Real friends don't take advantage of each other as you've done to me
You've put me right back into my marriage, including the lack of sex
You manipulated your way into my home intentionally toying with my emotions
I had already ordered the Chinese when you decided to cancel on me
I really wish I didn't care about you as much as I do
I'm pretty sure you lie to me constantly
I hate that you are attempting to woo my best friend away from her husband. I don't care how much you deny it, we both know that this is what you are trying to do. If it were not true, you would spend the same amount of cash on me as you do on her and you wouldn't try to hide the fact that you buy things for her from me. You know what you are doing is wrong and that is why you try to hide it.You also would not try to hang out with her alone. You know I will be leaving soon enough, then you can have my best friend all to your lonesome. You can't wait because you want her.
You're not funny
You don't give two shits about me
You are irritating the shit out of me
Get out of my home

We had this conversation a few days ago. I told you I felt like you were taking advantage of me. You said you were sorry, you cried, you seemed remorseful. Then the Pikmin incident happened and now somehow, in spite of all that was said (and all that has been purchased) I owe you $15. today, I tell you I have stopped by the store on the way to work and bought snacks for myself, to avoid eating the junk food provided here. You come back down in less than 2 minutes, and take something. I don't mind, if I didn't want to you to know, I wouldn't have told you. You would have come down anyway on one of your obligatory trips down to take from my loose change. But then you stood here and told me that you had decided how you wanted me to spend your $15. You wanted me to order you something online, and buy you taco bell. Whatever. When it comes to you and me, there is no real friendship I guess. Just a means to an end. If this is how it's going to be, then I guess I can accept that. but that also means I will no longer treat you as a friend and confidant, you are nothing more than a roommate and a coworker. If you want to go out, you can go alone, if you want to come along when I go out, you will be expected to pay for yourself. No more favors, no more, jsut because, none of it. You are just a person I happen to live with.

When you walked into my room last night, and handed me the game, my first thought was that this was the sweetest thig you have done for me. Then, you totally ruined it when you said, "You own me 15 bucks." Wow, thanks for getting it for me. But you couldn't have just told me where it was and let me get it myself? Way to turn a nice gesture into something meaningless.

I can tell you are in love with her. The fact that she is married does not stop how you feel about her. She is unhappily so, or else she would not flirt and attempt to seduce you. I can see that you love her, or at the very least you lust heavily after her. While I and my best friend get silly acts of semi violence, she gets kisses, hugs, cuddles, and serenades. You are truly an ass. I know why you are truly not looking. You are waiting for her to leave him and come to your loving arms. Part of me wants you to fail. Part of me wants you to succeed. All of me wants you to at least be honest with yourself.

I've always had a thing for the hot smart geek. Our IT department loves me because I flirt and can keep up with their perverted conversations without blushing. Every once in a while though, there is one that catches my attention for more than a few minutes of random humor. (IE: how I ended up with Dustin, but we're not talking about that.) My birthday was last week, but more importantly, the day before, Dave spent all day at my desk because my computer had a virus. We literally spent all but the last hour of the day talking and kidding around while he attempted to get this plague off my machine. Dave has a girlfriend of 2 years, I think he's hot, but I'm not a man stealer and I could never see it being anything more than an awesome friend to kick it with sometimes. Today, he came back to restore my baby to her rightful home, but first he had to give me shit, as he always does. He picked up the gift that Bonnie had given me for my birthday ( relaxation fountain that I will hook up in my office eventually) and said "What's this for?" "Bonnie gave it to me, for my birthday. What did you get me?" "Love." He blushed, grinned, and put it down. I didn't say anything about it. I didn't want to. If he hadn't blushed I wouldn't even be writing about it, it was just funny. Kinda like something that slipped out without thinking. We've all done it. So I'm not going to read too much into it other than the typical geek awkward. ^_^

So yesterday we talked. Rather, I talked, and you cried. Still, the fact remains that we made peace and I feel better getting this shit off of my chest before I blew up at a friend. I don't like the idea of losing another friend that way.I did have one awkward moment, and that is only because you intentionally made it so. This is one of those things that I don't understand about you. You feel a personal connection to me. You don't want to date. but last night, you pulled me into your lap. I really like hugs... you know I like hugs. I am in full control of my emotions and I will never again assume anything that you do is anything but you being you. But damn if you don't give the best hugs when you really give them.

It can't be right. What happened this morning. You know that place, between asleep and awake? That place where dreams and reality meet? That's where it got weird this morning. My infatuation with red headed men has caught up with me. I've been crushing on a couple of redheads at work and I've been with one of them before. This morning, my b/f was holding me as we slept and I half dreamed that it was one of the others. As I snuggled in closer, I could feel his breath on my ear as he murmured in his sleep. In my half  sleep state, I heard him say, "This is how it should be, why can't it always be like this."  To which I replied "You have to be with someone who loves you, and you feel their love for you and love them all the more in return." He pulled me closer to himself and murmured something unintelligible in my ear. When I rolled over, I almost said his name, but in mid turn, my alarm went off waking me up completely. It wasn't who I was dreaming of, but I was just as pleased to be in bed with Drew. Maybe soon I'll stop dreaming of other redheaded men.

I used to think that one day you would realize that you did want to date me. But after a few more conversations with you, I've come to realize that you won't. Not because there is anything wrong with me, I know there is not. But because if you really wanted to date me, to be with me, you would give up your single life for a chance to do so. Not just tell me one thing and do another. You've told me of 3 times now that you have been in love enough to propose, and for one reason or another the relationships have ended before marriage. If you feel that strongly about someone, if you think you know love that surely, then you would to hesitate to be with me. you would have been with me that first day and everyday there after. I wonder sometimes if things would be different now if we had slept together that first night. They would be, I would feel worse about this now. I would feel more like a whore and less like myself and I would resent you for making our relationship based on sex. Thank you for respecting my wishes that night. Even if I didn't thank you then.

Why is it ok for you to hang out with my best friend when I'm sick, but not ok for me to hang out with her when you are sick? Seriously. Friday night I went to the gym right after work (something I'm trying to get into the habit of doing everyday). When I got home, my roommate (who has been sick all of the last 2 weeks with acute Bronchitis) was already in his room. I'm assuming he was either asleep or on his way. I think he may have come out once and gotten something to drink and that was it. Around 9, my gf calls and asks if I want to go with her to SOP's with her and her husband. I said yes, changed my clothes and left without a second thought. I get in as quietly as I can around 2:30AM and go to bed.

The next morning he leaves for work early and is gone before I get up. Sam had asked me the night before if I would go to Canton with her for her sister's birthday and I happily agreed. I thought I would be gone long before my roommate returned from work, and also, it was supposed to be a girls night out so it would not have been appropriate for him to come along. Kyle came home early as I was napping and I told him that we were going out that night. He said that he wanted her to "at least come in so I can say hi." I called Sam and let her know that Kyle wanted to say hi. She said she couldn't stay long because we were late. She came in and said hi...he said nothing. We looked at each other...waited another minute or 2, said hi again. He says hi, we leave.

On the way back from Canton the next morning, I send him a text to see if he wants me to take his laundry to my parents place. He says yes. I get to the apartment, his door is closed and his laundry is right outside the door. Maid JD, at your service Master...Whatever. so I get to my parents house and I get a total of 2 text msg from him. 1st one, inside joke. Second one "where are you?" I get home. He doesn't emerge from his room until I've been home for hours. Literally, I got home right before 8 he came out at about 10 minutes to midnight. WTF. When he comes out, he doesn't say word one to me, not even a thank you for doing his laundry. Just a wave as he wanders back to his bedroom.

This morning, we had this lovely conversation:

(9:43 AM) j: what's the name of your itunes today?
(9:44 AM) K: bwahaha, I cut the sharing!  bwahaha
(9:44 AM) K: lol
(9:44 AM) K: I'll put it back up ;P
(9:44 AM) j: nah, it's ok if you don't want to
(9:44 AM) K: oh 
(9:44 AM) K: wtf
(9:45 AM) j: ?
(9:45 AM) K: why wouldn't I want to put it back up for sharing?
(9:45 AM) j: I don't know, for the same reason you turned it off?
(9:45 AM) K: I turned it off to be a smartass
(9:45 AM) K: lol
(9:46 AM) j:  :P
(9:46 AM) K: :P
(9:46 AM) K: it's back up, but you're going to have to guess it's new name
(9:46 AM) Ky: bwahaha
(9:46 AM) K: should be easy
(9:47 AM) j: pancakes
(9:47 AM) K: NOBODY IS PANCAKES!
(9:47 AM) j: no one is ever pancakes!
(9:47 AM) K: I bought t2 on saturday, btw
(9:47 AM) K: I have a question
(9:47 AM) j: sure, go for it
(9:47 AM) K: did you go see Woodbox Gang on Friday while I was asleep?
(9:48 AM) j: yep, they were ok
(9:48 AM) K:  :(
(9:48 AM) j: what?
(9:48 AM) K: nevermind
(9:48 AM) j: what? don't put frownie face and not tell me what
(9:48 AM) j: er..why
(9:49 AM) K: I...I dunno, I've been sick for a week, and you guys are out having fun.  Guess I'm feeling left out a bit
(9:49 AM) K: I saw your facebook mobile uploads on Saturday after you'd left and saw you'd gone out friday night after I'd gone to bed and actually cried...and coughed...and nose bled...
(9:49 AM) K: it was messy
(9:49 AM) K: and depressing
(9:52 AM) j: I'm sorry. We didn't think you'd want to go out, because you'd ben sick. We didn't mean to make you feel left out
(9:52 AM) K: kinda too late for that one
(9:53 AM) K: besides, you're only contagious for the first 4-5 days
(9:53 AM) j: well yo're coming with us on Saturday, right?
(9:53 AM) j: Yeah, but being out in the cold and then loud music and standing and coughing etc would not have been good for you.
(9:54 AM) K: yeah, but I would've had fun
(9:54 AM) K: and besides, I did go to work on Saturday and Sunday
(9:54 AM) K: so it's not like it would've been much of a difference
(9:55 AM) K: besides, the coughs are less frequent
(9:55 AM) K: I'm going to get back to work.  I'm just getting more upset
(9:55 AM) Ky: ttyl

WTF?!?! Fast forward to several hours later (IE, just an hour ago) He comes down all apologies about taking it the wrong way, bt it's to late. The damage has been done. You assume that if we leave you out, we are being mean or shoving you to the side. But if you want to hang wit my best friend w/o me, then I'm supposed to understand that you just need some Kyle and Sam time? No fucking way. I'm so fed up with this shit, but now I'm stuck in the middle of it.

Seriously. You tell me you're not interested in anyone, yet you tell me about conversations you are having with some girl. "We're just talking and then she tells me how round her breasts are. And I tell her that I can't help getting turned on my that, and she laughs," blah, blah, FUCKING BLAH! I can't help but feel like you took advantage of me and you continue to lie to me everyday. You left me thinking and hoping but you left me in the cold. Fuck you.

Wow, seriously? Yesterday, at work, Haru decided that he'd had enough of the long hair for now. He came in from his morning walk, walked up to my desk, pointed at my scissors and pointed at the ponytail. I didn't want to do it, but I did. I chopped of his gorgeous golden locks. I kept them and last night when I went home, I put them in a Christmas tin I have. I didn't want to see them thrown away. It's just me.

Fast forward to today. I got a facebook msg from some else that we work with the conversation is below. Read from the bottom up. I wonder what else was said and by whom.

S (Bradley) wrote at 1:57pm haha! i didn't know that you cut it! i just heard that it was given to you. No one really told me it was "locks of love" that was the only other word i could come up with besides ponytail...too funny. you now have a new title: JI Beautician :)

J wrote at 1:49pm LOL, OMG! Good news does travel fast. Yes, that was me, but it definitely wasn't locks of love. (Haru) got tired of the long hair and asked me to cut it off for him, so I did. I just decided to keep it because it seems like such a waste. LOL. Who told you it was "locks of love?"

S(Bradley) wrote at 1:41pm perhaps some locks of love?

J wrote at 1:35pm I'm confused, what was the gift, maybe I can help you out.

S(Bradley) wrote at 1:33pm really? oh i thought i heard that you did

J wrote at 1:16pm I did? I don't remember getting anything here yesterday.

S (Bradley) wrote at 1:14pm Hey! I heard you received an interesting present here yesterday!

We really had a great night. I had started to despair that you and I could have as much fun together as you, Sam and I. But you proved me wrong. I laughed so hard I almost threw up. You chased me around my apartment. You frikken bit me. I feel like for the first time in a while, I was really and truly myself with you and you with me. I hope we can stay like that for a while. I really like this you.