squirell

Associates and so forth, taken from Nevermore's blog

Leave your name and I will...

1. Tell you why I befriended you.
2. Associate you with something -random, a song, a color, a photo, etc.
3. Tell you something I like about you.
4. Tell you a memory I have of you.
5. Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
6. Tell you my favorite user picture of yours.
7. In return, you must post this in your blog.
  • Current Mood
    melancholy melancholy
squirell

Pondering

If i told you how I really felt, would you run to me or from me. That is the truth that really stops my tongue. Fear of losing you. I can't imagine my life right now without you in it to some degree. You've gotten too close. I think I will keep my mouth shut for now and let you come to me, if you ever choose to do so.
  • Current Music
    Staind: For You
squirell

Hypocrisy thy name is JD

I try really hard not to be jealous. I thought I was doing really well. But last night, I came home, Sam came over and Kyle gave her another shirt. This one was a twin to the one he bought for himself on Friday. The only difference was his has the silver Zelda symbol, and her has the gold. It's not the fact that he bought her a shirt, I'm used to him buying her things and me getting nothing, it's the fact that it's the same shirt. I've begun to feel awkward when the 3 of us hang out. I stand out in our group. I'm black (Irish), I eat meat, and I'm not a comic book nerd. When we go out, I feel like the 3rd wheel. It really doesn't help that they tend to walk in front or behind me, so it always looks like I'm walking alone when we are together. They even go so far as to order the same food when we go out. Denny's: Boca Burgers, fries, Cherry coke for them, Classic Fruity French Toast, Orange juice for me. Cheddars: Stuffed Portabellas, side salad, chocolate martinis for them, chicken, potatoes, daiquiri for me. I feel like I'm in competition for my best friend and i don't like it. Now when we go out, they will be wearing the same shirt, eating the same food, drinking the same drink, sharing the same conversation, and I'll be there, like a child who doesn't fit in, all alone again. I've got to stop, I'm starting to cry. I didn't even realize it bothered me this much until I started to write it all out. I've been here before, only last time I was in competition for my husband, not my best friend. I don't want to lose both again, and I don't want to lose myself trying to save it.
  • Current Music
    Nirvana: Heart-Shaped Box
  • Tags
squirell

Naughty, naughty

I had a very happy St. Paddy's a little early. Saturday, I went to Chad's to hang with him and Bonnie, one of my other co-workers. They both have sons, so I packed up my Wii and we shuffled them into one room while we hung out and watched movies. It was awesome, and got even better when we got high, which I have only done 2 times before. After we were sure the boys had fallen asleep and we would not be disturbed, we had a 3 some. OMG! It was amazing. I had forgotten how amazing Chad is in bed. We're definitely going to have to do this again. Today, both Chad and Bonnie are also sore. We can't help cracking up about it a bit. As awesome as it was, I'm hoping that Bonnie will feel a little bad about it, she has a bf. Granted, he's in Ohio, but it's still a bf. Chad and I are both single so it's no big for us, but she cheated... Oh well. We'll figure it out before we do it again.
  • Current Music
    Stone Sour : Come What(ever) May
squirell

I refuse to feel guilty abut what I've done

So i sent him the letter. Before reading my letter, he purchased for me a Pizza (from someplace I hate) and some flaming hot Cheeto's. I still refuse to feel guilty about what I've done. I did what had to be done for my sanity. I'm going to have to start standing firm and not saying yes, just because I know it will make him happy. He sent me a big long letter of apology and I'm really and truly hoping that things will get better at home. If not, I'll be living on my own again, and I'm totally ok with that.
  • Current Music
    Mudvayne: Fall Into Sleep
squirell

I feel like I'm writing a dear Kyle letter

Drama and frustrations continue to abound in my home. I would much rather live alone than go through all of this. Last night what started out as a fun thing for me turned into a mess for three people. I wrote Kyle this letter today and will be sending it tonight before I take off for the night so I won't have to deal with him reading it in front of me. I know this is the cowards way out, but I have no other choice. If I say this to his face and he starts to cry, I'll roll over and let him continue to walk all over me. So here is what i said

I was going to say "we need to talk," but that's not really right. I need to talk, and I need you to listen. Really listen. I know we talked a couple of months ago and you promised that things would get better, but they aren't at this point. I really do care about you as a friend, and on that vein things need to change in order to save our friendship.

I still feel like you are taking advantage of me and manipulating me to your ends and your needs. If you take off for hours on end, or if you leave to go see "friends" or if I ask if you have plans, you always ask why I want to know. But if I'm not home when you expect me, I get the third degree. That's uncalled for I am a grown woman and what I do in my free time is none of your business, especially if you are not going to share your business with me. I don't intentionally want you to feel left out, but I also don't want to feel like I have to justify every action I make to you. You are not my father, boyfriend, or husband.

I think you have been lying to me and I know you have been hiding things from me. The only reason to lie or hide things is if you feel guilty about it. You told me your friend Kristen's sister was sick and implied that this is who you were talking to. I talked to Sam last night and she told me that you were texting her about the rats/rabbits. I don't know if you were talking to both and only chose to tell me about one. I don't know why you would only choose to tell me about the one. There was no reason for you to hide the fact that you were talking to my friend from me. I don't care if the two of you talk. I like that the two of you get along. It does not bother me at all. What does bother me is that you do things for her that you do not do for me. You try to talk to her and hang out with her, and buy things for her behind my back. There is no reason on earth that you could not tell me what you have gotten for Sam, I don't give two shits. The only reason I could possibly think of is that you know it is not fair/right to do the things for her that you have done. It is also not fair that on the 2 occasions that I have spent time alone with Sam without you, I've gotten the third degree about it. You get mad at me for spending time with my friend without you, but you expect me to just let you hang out with her without me and not ask any questions. That is not right.

I'm tired of paying for everything while I watch you spend your money on other things. I understand that you have bills to pay. You have your phone, your rent at the old apartment (for now), your car payment, car insurance, gas and your student loan. That's fine. That's why I haven't asked you to pay for anything at the apartment until you are out of the old place. You constantly complain that you have no money, but how many times have you bought and returned a system, how many times have I watched you buy a video game, how many times have I watched you buy a new movie or buy something for Sam and the list goes on. At the end of the day, when your money gets low, you ask me if I want to grab a bite somewhere and I end up paying. Your exact words are usually "do you want to go to (taco bell, burger kind, Chinese, etc)?" When I say yes, we get in my car and I pay. There have been few and far between instances where you have even reached for your wallet before we got there. You really did shock me at lunch on Sunday when you paid at Ruby Tuesdays. The few times that I have said no to going out, you pout. You, a 6 ft+, 26yr old man, pout about not getting your way. My money is ridiculously tight all across the board because I am paying for "us" and you are paying for you. Every time you have a little extra cash and I make a suggestion about how you should spend it, you remind me that it's not my money to spend, but when I got my refund and finally had some extra to spare, you asked for a DVD player. Out of what I had, you wanted something for you.  It really hurt me that you turned around and bought something for Sam at Target and nothing for me. Not only that, but you refused to tell me what you even bought for her and when I questioned you on it on Tuesday, you stormed out of my office. Don't misinterpret, I am not asking for the DVD player back, I'm just letting you know how I felt about what happened afterwards. Finally there is the whole issue with the rats. This was supposed to be a fun pet for me. It started as one and I distinctly recall you saying in the beginning that you didn't particularly care for rats. But all of a sudden Tuesday night you decided you wanted one and the drama that ensued last night. I was physically ill last night and still am this morning over everything that happened yesterday. It's not fun anymore. I don't even want one anymore. It went from being an inexpensive adorable little pet for me to love to three giant pains in my ass and stress that I did not need.

I'm not saying that I want you to leave, I would not feel right to do so and it is not fair to either of us. I am saying that if you want to be my friend, and not just some guy I live with, things will have to change. Friends do not treat each other the way that you have been treating me these last couple of months. I literally feel like I'm married again. I'm living with someone who is taking advantage of my kindness, I'm paying for everything, and I don't feel loved or appreciated for what I do. i also feel like I'm fighting you for my best friend and I should not feel that way.

As you know, I'm going to the gym after work and then I'm going to Tops and Tails with Natausha and possibly Bonnie afterwards. Don't call me, I'll be home late. But if you want to talk when I get home, we can, or we can talk tomorrow if you want to go for a walk or after work. I still love you and care about you very much, but things have to change if we are to continue to be friends.
  • Current Music
    Fuel: Won't Back Down
crazy

Things I will never tell you...for one reason or another

No one likes you because you act like a self centered asshole
You're right, the only reason she hangs out with you is because you are my friend
You've shown that you're not really my friend
Real friends don't take advantage of each other as you've done to me
You've put me right back into my marriage, including the lack of sex
You manipulated your way into my home intentionally toying with my emotions
I had already ordered the Chinese when you decided to cancel on me
I really wish I didn't care about you as much as I do
I'm pretty sure you lie to me constantly
I hate that you are attempting to woo my best friend away from her husband. I don't care how much you deny it, we both know that this is what you are trying to do. If it were not true, you would spend the same amount of cash on me as you do on her and you wouldn't try to hide the fact that you buy things for her from me. You know what you are doing is wrong and that is why you try to hide it.You also would not try to hang out with her alone. You know I will be leaving soon enough, then you can have my best friend all to your lonesome. You can't wait because you want her.
You're not funny
You don't give two shits about me
You are irritating the shit out of me
Get out of my home
  • Current Music
    Seether: Truth
squirell

The cost of a friendship $15.00

We had this conversation a few days ago. I told you I felt like you were taking advantage of me. You said you were sorry, you cried, you seemed remorseful. Then the Pikmin incident happened and now somehow, in spite of all that was said (and all that has been purchased) I owe you $15. today, I tell you I have stopped by the store on the way to work and bought snacks for myself, to avoid eating the junk food provided here. You come back down in less than 2 minutes, and take something. I don't mind, if I didn't want to you to know, I wouldn't have told you. You would have come down anyway on one of your obligatory trips down to take from my loose change. But then you stood here and told me that you had decided how you wanted me to spend your $15. You wanted me to order you something online, and buy you taco bell. Whatever. When it comes to you and me, there is no real friendship I guess. Just a means to an end. If this is how it's going to be, then I guess I can accept that. but that also means I will no longer treat you as a friend and confidant, you are nothing more than a roommate and a coworker. If you want to go out, you can go alone, if you want to come along when I go out, you will be expected to pay for yourself. No more favors, no more, jsut because, none of it. You are just a person I happen to live with.
  • Current Music
    Nightwish: Come cover Me
squirell

I was wrong

When you walked into my room last night, and handed me the game, my first thought was that this was the sweetest thig you have done for me. Then, you totally ruined it when you said, "You own me 15 bucks." Wow, thanks for getting it for me. But you couldn't have just told me where it was and let me get it myself? Way to turn a nice gesture into something meaningless.
  • Current Music
    Akira Yamaoka: Cradle of Forest